It is funny that no matter how hard we try, our natural inclination is toward entropy and disorder. Quite immediately, my “joyful” blog….or my search for “joyful” blog…degenerated into a platform to unleash every rant in my head. In theory, and to be fair, this did spell more joy in my real world. The availability of a place to say all these important things was necessary at the time. My energy was so different. The energy of our world was so different.
I haven’t really wanted to write, all this time. Has nothing upset me to the point where I had to rant? No…not by a long shot. It is just that I have learned and grown. My life turned into a swamp. All these existential problems I was worrying about seemed so, I don’t know, higher order issues. The last year or so, I feel like that lotus in the murk, rooting through the rot every day to find a hint of a blossom. When that was so easy before, I gladly pushed through the wet mud and rose like a Phoenix. Risen, yes, but wholly unaware. Still trapped and tied to so many chains. It was as if the mud froze in my heart this last year. My blossom could not push through the frozen earth as the chains wrapped tighter around my petals.
In the last couple of weeks, I have had cause to revisit joy. Real joy. Internal joy. There was a time when I felt it and knew it. I was so blind, in so many ways when I felt that true blissful internal joy. My question, as of late, is how to reconnect with my own joy. In fact, my re-connection with the energy of the universe, the Goddess, Jesus Christ is going a ways but new awareness places me right upon the edge of joy, unable to take the plunge. I feel like there is something I need to learn before I let go. I have to have a deeper confidence in that connection to the light before I let go…or do I. Maybe I am wrong.
I am open to that. As I write this I consider that I may need to do the opposite. That is be open, totally to joy, and the connection to the light will flow from that. Whatever the case may be, I forge forth with renewed belief in a deep, internal, true to myself, sort of joy. A joy that only comes from my connection to the divine and not one iota with obsessive co-dependence (more blogs on this, to be sure).
So, for the last year or so, I have been on a personal awakening. It has been painful and I am sure it is not over yet. I hope not because although, painful, it is life-changing. The biggest change is my acceptance that I cannot control other people on one hand and that I am going to be okay…actually, I am going to be better than okay. I am going to be great, no matter what happens. Another huge change is that I am trying to get a hold on this panic response I have that does not serve me and keeps me rooted in my nightmare. To do all of this. I am inviting the divine back in, in a BIG way. So that was all going on. Yet, no joy. Not like I was having before.
Joy has an aspect of letting go. You almost have to submit to joy. However, it seemed that when I reached a tipping point in my spiritual growth and awareness, I could not let go to joy. I had to sit in the sadness, grief, anxiety, self-doubt, heck, self-hatred, and allow the divine into those ugly moments to even have a shot. So, that is where I am, on that precipice. I have had one set of experiences in one area where I slowed down time and instead of falling into the same patterns of anxiety and being pathetic and asked that Spirit of the Universe to work in me and through me and be present. Guess what? No panic response. And, I got something else. Space for joy. Space to let go and submit. When you are lined up back to back with drama and anxiety and issues there is no emotional space. When I stopped falling prey, I mean really stopped in that instance, and let God in, it was like God created a bubble of time and space where joy could live. However it is tentative and feels like dipping my toe into the water.
I look forward to diving into the joy pool instead of dog paddling in the sick one.