There is no doubt about it that I am a pistol. I am a force to be reckoned with.
“You are Strong. I always knew as a little girl that the characteristics that were driving me nuts would make for a strong woman.” – My mom
or…here is another take on the theme
“You are the light that burns out darkness. You are the light of truth. The light of ecstasy. Most people can’t stand under that shine. People are afraid of their shadows. You light them up so that they cannot hide. Scary place for some.” – My husband
Fumbling and fumbling is what I am doing. I am eagerly engaged in certain endeavors that stir the shit out of the pot. I used to be ashamed of the shine. I tried like mad to turn it to a trickle. This year, I decided to embrace the Goddess, love myself, and see where the chips will fall.
The problem isn’t the fumbling. I don’t know how a person gets there without wrestling and grasping. Here is what is going on:
I have the three components at play.
- the Jesus deal- Admonitions to lose yourself and follow Him. The greatest among you is a servant to all. I spent the last 10+ years deeply involved in this. Listening to a whole mess of “what” and barely any “how” or “why”(well there is a “why” but I don’t buy its interpretation). Basically, I cede. I always cede. I always take the shittiest seat. I always volunteer to help and I go the extra mile. I endeavor to be a servant. I forgave in a sacrificial way. I took/take what He says, in particular, seriously. The whole thing seems to crumble, however, on one crucial tenet. What is that? Well….”love your neighbor as yourself.” I realized, quite shockingly, that I don’t love myself and probably haven’t for a very long time. That is a problem. KABOOM!
- Goddess Emerges – The goddess re-emerges, I should say. I was always a follower. I always believed in the divine feminine. I always believed that I was a conduit of great power. Even as I forgot what I was worth, there was a nagging suspicion, way deep down that I have great power and that power comes not from a Heavenly Father, or Jesus but from the great Her. What emerged were…boundaries and that is just the beginning. I honor that lovely spark of delight within me. I know the Holy Mother. I am Her creation. People freak out when you do this. Really they lose their shit. There is blowback. But, whatever. It is ok. I realized, through Her, that I am ok alone, all by myself, totally cool in the world. BLAM!
- Buddhism/Yoga/Hinduism swirl – Interestingly enough, it is this tradition that is reminding me how flawed I am. I think by and large, the path to true nirvana….true joy….is down this path. It is a way being. It is also decidedly not self flagellating. So, why feeling flawed? Well, when everything is blowing up in my world Eastern traditions decidedly give us the “how” to manual to peace. Can I do it? Rarely. Do I behave in an enlightened way? Probably less rarely. Am I trying and struggling to do better? Absolutely. Is it a moment to moment game? 100%.
All I can do is keep up the good fight. So, my next internal milestone is to get a handle upon how to deal with anger or meanness thrown at me, in the moment. That is the place I am the most screwy with. It is so hard to not react. It is so difficult in that moment to speak rightly. It is worse than that, though. When one person publicly humiliates me (yes, this is a thing…it is a reaction of the weak for burning into their dark areas, as if I can help it) like they did last night, it causes me so much sadness that it invades my present. I am drawn into the past world and I relive the sadness over and over. All the sadness, invariably is mixed with anger and it just leads to me to want to punish back. I fail and punish back often. I am also trying to do something different. Fumbling…