fact_about_haters39734995All my life I have dealt with the hater chicks. You know the type, women. They smile at you to your face, act like they are St. Teresa, and then can’t wait until you walk away so they can say Rachael said this or Rachael said that. And…for the record, let’s face it, I don’t have the tightest lips, nor am I the quietest person on Earth. The problem arises when I am hearing back that I have said shit that I never uttered.

Today, crossed a line for me not because I was quoted as saying anything especially negative and not because the retelling was especially viscous. It was because I know that who I am makes me an easy target. My biggest piece of advice is to think more about yourself and less about me.

Why am I, and women like me, an easy target?

Number one reason is that I am a damn catch. Not only do I keep myself up in a way that most women my age don’t but I maximize my sex appeal and treat my husband like a king. My husband loves it….dare I say….so does yours. That brings me to my second reason. It is no coincidence that women that hate on women like me do not look like women like me, one iota. In fact, they often have let themselves go in a way that is questionably not recoverable. “Dumpy”, “sour”, or “pickle-puss” are usually the adjectives that comes to mind, as opposed to “jolly” . Yet, if it were just these things, my mom would face the same problems and she does not. She is hot and sexy and 70 years old. So, why me and not her? Answer…. I am loud. By loud I don’t just mean I am a little loud, I mean I am so loud that elderly people adore me. I am the only one they can hear. It is easy to pick out snippets of most of my conversations if you are standing within a football field length. Another problem is that I am passionately opinionated. I have no problem telling you exactly what I think and why. In fact, when I feel particularly passionate, I have very little filter. Finally, when I get put on the spot or feel like I have to behave, I often begin babbling endlessly. What this all boils down to is that I am a perfect storm for jealous, hater women of all ilks.

Top 5 ways Chicks Talk Smack

With all the why laid out, the question must turn to the ways this goes down. The ways are important because once you can identify this shit talk, you can decide to ignore it the best you know how. So here you go:

  1. A+B=Captain Kangaroo : This method of talking smack is the least insidious and it isn’t always mean spirited. In fact, this was the type of smack talking that pushed me to write this blog. This is when a person has an actual conversation with you (something most smack talkers do not do) and then deduces something completely different than what you said. The problem arises when they don’t say that the they made those connections. Instead, they state the new “Captain Kangaroo Fact” as a direct quote.
  2. I heard you say “black”, you must have said “Jesus has a black heart.”:  The lunacy is real. Sometimes I am amazed at the things people come up with. It is our natural tendency to fill in the gaps when we only hear snippets of conversations. Our minds want to make sense of something they are only partially hearing. I get it. However, being such a great target, constructing stories out of single uttered words becomes human, natural…and asinine.
  3. Another person said they hate peas becomes you said you hate peas: This is a complete attribution “error”.  A hater is nosing into a conversation that I am having with another person. This other person makes a statement. I may agree with it, I may not. Then, the snoop runs and tells people that I made the statement. Always fun and never easy to combat.
  4. I thought I heard you say, “Janet is a cunt.”: If I really called Janet a cunt, don’t you think I would look right at Janet when confronted and say, “Janet….sorry, you are a cunt.” Problem is that I didn’t say Janet was a cunt. I said something like, “Janet is very blunt.” or “Janet dropped of a mattress at the dump.” or “Janet likes Forrest Gump.” or “Janet just bought a runt.” This happened to me once in 5th grade. I shhh’d and sighed in such a way that Mrs. Culwell accused me of calling her an asshole. I didn’t. When my mother was called in I said, “If I wanted to call her an asshole, mom, I would have said it to her face.” My mom turned around to Mrs. Culwell and said, “My daughter didn’t call you an asshole.”
  5. Lies Lies Lies:

That brings us to the final shit talker. This is the person who totally fabricates a conversation with you or one they supposedly overheard. When I hear these stories I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. There is no way to combat out and out prevarications. You can’t explain that somebody else made the comment. You can’t say that they didn’t understand the conversation they were overhearing. All you can do is say that you didn’t say those things and people can choose to believe you or not.

At the end of the day, there is nothing you can do about haters that can’t wait to go tattle-telling to somebody. You can’t make them go away, you can’t tell them to stop. What you can do is always remember that when haters hate, it is not about you, it is about them. Talking smack is just one way that the hate rolls forth. There are others, to be sure…maybe I’ll write a blog about them someday and bring some of their other delicious tactics into the light.

And mean girls….one last thing to y’all….

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